The Church leader and their family Life.
The divorce rate in the United States amongst Pastors and
Church Leaders is the same as that of the secular society that they serve, approximately
two out of every four marriages. I don’t want to go into the reasons why this
is so, I think those reasons have been discussed many times before. What I want
to discuss here are some of the things I have learnt and what I feel is
important to a pastor and Senior Church leader in regards to His or Her private
life.
Firstly let me say that, your private life, family life and
the ministry are not separate departments of your church. They are intricately
interwoven and there is a need to understand this. If for example you try and
hide a shaky marriage from your church leadership this will put pressure on you
on your spouse and the leadership, something will break.
A few years ago I was at a leadership conference in
Melbourne Australia. In one private session the Key note speaker allowed people
to ask him any questions they liked. After questions about the reasons for the
success of his ministry after taking over from his father and what he did
differently, I asked a personal question that at first through him. “DO you
have any Mates?” He was a little taken back by the question, as it had come
from completely out of left field and was not in line with the questions he had
been answering. I explained myself and he understood. His wife shouted from the
front row “No he did not but has now”
The man then went on to explain. He had taken over from his
father on his return from College in the United States. He had gotten so
wrapped up in the church and putting his own vision and mark in place that he
began to neglect his wife, and his young children. He began putting on weight, the
problems began to pile up and realised that he had no one in the church to talk
to about his problems. One day, on his way from the church he saw some older
guys playing basketball something he had played at college and something he was
really good at. He said that he was seriously thinking of taking up the sport
professionally after college, he was that good. He stopped the car, got out,
asked about the game and was told it was an amateur league. Cutting a long
story short, he got involved started to play and built up a group of friends
outside his church who treated him as one of the guys. He was also able general
terms to talk to them about his issues and their expertise helped him
solve some of the problems. His wife noticed the change he found he had more
time on his hands and set aside time to spend with his family as well as time
for his hobby, basketball. Over the years he even led a few of his basketball friends to
Christ.
It is very important that a senior church leader has a life
outside of church. Not forgetting that church is our calling. However we end up,
with people who see us as their pastor and leader and we are not able to
interact in the same way as we would with friends, we can’t relax. Play Golf,
join the local golf club, and improve your skills by taking lessons from the
club professional. I have a pastor friend who has won a particular golf
tournament eight years in a row. The tournament is on a Sunday and his leaders
allow him to have the time off every year. It has resulted in some great
publicity for the church in the local newspaper and as a result of that many
golfers have started to come to the church.
Family time is very important. Treat your children fairly
and love them equally letting them know that as their father you are there for
them if they have problems. Try and take your daughters out on a date and talk
with them or take your sons to a man thing to do the same. Try and be at their
major sports events, school prize giving etc. Have regular holidays with them. It is not the amount of time you spend with them but the quality time you spend
with them. Be happy, have fun, do outlandish things, things that will be remembered
by them and go down in family folklore. As your children grow older encourage
them to get involved at church in particular departments and ministries.
Explain to them that Church leadership is your highest calling and is a great
honour if this is communicated with your family they will understand when you
can’t be around – just don’t make not being around a frequent event. Communicate with your
wife on a regular basis sit down with your church diary and plan your year
around school breaks summer holidays and sports events. Then when you sit down at
work with your PA and leadership and look at your planning for church events in
the year ahead you can plan everything around each other, there will of course
be some give and take.
Spend private quality time with your spouse. Do not keep
your church problems from them. Talk to them about the issues and problems. Do
not make the problems theirs but discuss and listen they may have valuable
insight. Praying together is important but is not often feasible at a regular
time because of the busy lives you both lead. You with the church and her with the young
family. But pray as often as you can together. Your spouse is just as much a
spiritual person as you are. Your spouse is just as much a part of your
ministry as your preaching or leadership. Share your vision, thoughts and ideas
with them; let them be excited with you. Try and go away together at least four
times a year not just for birthdays and anniversaries and family holidays, but
romantic getaways. Keep the intimacy flame alight. Men need to be proactive in
this area do not always leave it to the woman. Build relationship with your spouse, as important
as friends are your spouse is your greatest friend.
Too many Church leaders try to do too much alone without a
friendship base and the support of their spouses. The results are always
disastrous. Without a hobby to help clear your mind and relax, without friends
both Christian and non Christian and without the support of a spouse who is
right there with you, you will end up with burnout and stress and may even lose
everything.
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